Warnings:
AU, sap, Caeru POV, some angst, some dark, some
language, and the dreaded....songfic.
Characters/Pairings: Pell/Rue, hinted Cal/Pell/Rue
etc
Spoilers:
Books 1-5
Summary:
Caeru struggles to recover. Can he allow Pell in and
let his hope of being seen win?
Rating:
PG-13
Beta: The
ever patient MA!
A/N: Written
for the Forever Monthly Fanfic Challenge. The song
used is 'See Who I Am' by Within Temptation. Thanks
for reading and feedback is appreciated!
'thought'
/song
lyrics/
/ Is it true
what they say
Are we too
blind to find a way
Fear of the
unknown
Cloud our
hearts today/
I stare out the window and rest
my head against the glass as I rest from having
walked from my bed to the window seat. It’s a lovely
day outside with that touch of summer. I can smell
the scent of flowers and grass that wafts in with
the warm breeze that’s blowing through the open
window. Cuttingtide was a week ago, but the
decorations are still up for those festivities. Of
course I didn’t get to celebrate since I was in the
healing ward after my attack....not that I really
wanted to be there. For some reason, the thought of
going to that particular ceremony turns my stomach
and I realize that my hand is hovering over my
scarred belly.
No, the death of one life to
bring about another does not appeal to me at all.
I let my hand drop to my thigh
and try to ignore how it’s trembling. I feel so weak
ever since the attack. Weak and alone and it hurts
so much. I can ignore the residual inner physical
pain but not always. Sometimes, it’s a dull ache
that is only a reminder of what should have been in
there for a bit longer, growing. Other times, it’s a
sharp pain, almost like I’m being ripped open again.
The healers say that I shouldn’t be feeling this
pain...that I’ve healed to the point where I can
soon even attempt aruna.
I think they’re fucking crazy.
/ Come into my
world
See through my
eyes
Try to
understand
Don't wanna
lose what we have/
Pell’s taken up avoiding me again
ever since I was released. Guess I shouldn’t have
expected anymore. He had treated me like I was a
plague after he’d gotten me with pearl...some thank
you, huh? I give him what he wants and he drops me
like a bad habit. Same with Cal. Though now I’ve
heard the rumors that Cal has disappeared. So I
guess....I can sorta understand Pell’s pain at the
moment. He most likely feels abandoned...helpless...
I take it back. I know exactly
how he feels.
My eyes close and I sigh as I
place my hand on my scarred stomach again,
acknowledging in a sense the ache that’s there. I
feel the sorrow I normally try to ignore come up at
what I’ve lost and feel a tear roll down my face.
Yes, I hated what was done to me in Pell’s need to
bring Thiede back or whatever it was. But it was
still my pearl...my harling. Something of both Pell
and Cal that I could hold onto on those cold nights
when I was nothing more than an acknowledgment. I
guess maybe that is why the pain can be so intense.
It’s the pain from the loss of
not only my pearl but of my dreams.
/ We've been
dreaming
For who can't
deny
It's the best
way of living
Between the
truth and the lies/
The door opening and closing
catches my attention and I look up and over. To my
surprise, Pell is looking back at me, though his
gaze is guarded. His eyes flick to where my hand is
before back to my own gaze but I don’t look away. It
is what it is. Why should I avoid the truth of it?
He comes over slowly to me and
surprises me as he puts his hand over mine on my
stomach. I watch him, feeling confused as he looks
down at our hands. “Does it hurt?” he whispers
suddenly in the tense air and he looks back up at me
as I flinch a bit even though I try not to.
“Yes, but not always bad,” I
admit softly and then wonder why I answered. He
doesn’t care. He could never care. He has yet to
show caring that doesn’t have any strings. But then
again, don’t I have strings on my own caring?
All I want is to be loved. Is
that a string?
Who knows.
/ See who I am
Break through
the surface
Reach for my
hand
And shout out
that we can
Free your mind
and find a way
The world is
in our hands
This is not
the end/
“The healers told me that you’ve
healed mostly,” Pell says almost conversationally
and I wonder on it. I note then that he’s caressing
my hand and the warmth spreads into my cold fingers.
I look down and see that the trembling has slowed
down to being almost imperceptible and I glance up
at him to see him watching me.
But I don’t know what to say. How
do I say that they’re wrong...that I’ll never feel
healed no matter what they say? I can’t find the
words...I don’t want him to leave me. So I look
down, away, and stare out the window again. It’s
quiet for a bit and I kinda almost hope he decides
to leave because having him so near yet not really
caring is just as painful as my injuries. He doesn’t
though and I almost jump when he squeezes my hand
and sits down on the window seat with me. I look up
at him, surprised by this move, and allow him to
move my feet onto his lap. It’s such a tender and
homey gesture that I’m stunned by it and don’t react
really. What does he want?
I must ask that aloud because he
looks at me and smiles, but it’s tinged with
sadness. “I want to help you Caeru. We...don’t have
to be alone,” he says quietly and I’m stunned silent
again.
/Fear is
withering the soul
At the point
of no return
We must be the
change we wish to see
I'll come into
your world
See through
your eyes
I'll try to
understand
Before we lose
what we have/
My eyes stray to outside again
and I can hear him shifting and watch him do the
same out of the corner of my eye. We’re silent as
the wind blows in gently, carrying the smells of
summer and the sounds of people in the distance. I
can’t help but allow myself to relax because it’s so
real....so safe. I want to cling to this kindness
and warmth, but a large part of me is so wary it
aches in time to my wound.
Yet even that is dulling the
longer we are together and I think I get it. We
do need
each other...more so than either of us could ever
know. I find myself being lulled by the gentle
caresses on my legs and I rest my head on the window
again, this time in relaxation. My eyes close as the
sun warms me and I can feel my lips tilting just a
little in a smile. I can’t help feeling that my body
knows what I need more than my mind and it amuses my
sleepy self.
I’m woken again later as I’m
lifted and carried someplace and I let my head rest
against Pell’s chest. I know it’s him because of his
smell and I relax even more. I might hate him half
the time, but I still long for him the rest of the
time.
/We just can't
stop believing
Because we
have to try
We can rise
above the truth and the lies
Hear the
silence
Reach out my
blame
Will our
strength remain?
If the power
rise/
I wince as we sit down on
something, but he cradles me close, whispering
softly to me, soothing. I crack my eyes open as I
feel the sun on us and see that we’re on the divan
that is situated on the balcony. I was going to go
there, but my strength had left me by the time I’d
made it to the window seat. I relax fully against
Pell’s body and sigh as he rubs my back. It’s such
an unfamiliar feeling to be so comforted, but it
calms me and soothes away the pain that seems a
constant in my life.
I tilt my head back and open my
eyes to gaze up at him as my head comes to rest on
his shoulder his head leans in to press a kiss to my
lips. I feel so relaxed that I go with it and open
my mouth, breath floating out a bit to touch his.
I’m a little surprised when he responds and we share
breath.
/See who I am
Break through
the surface
Reach for my
hand
And shout out
that we can
Free your mind
and find a way
The world is
in our hands
This is not
the end/
His touch to my soul is gentle
and inquiring yet filled with the essence that is
Pell and I open up to him. He absorbs from me my
pain and what happened that night and I can feel my
grief welling up again as I relive that night and
the ripping of our pearl from my body.
But he soothes it down with
gentle puffs of breath filled with warmth and
compassion and his arms tighten around me, relaxing
me. Our exchange ends after a bit and I open my eyes
again to look up at him with a smile. He smiles back
and I know then that we can move on and heal. And
with that affirmation in both our hearts, I close my
eyes and rest against him, letting my body heal.
This is not the end.
~Fini
