Warnings: AU, angst, dark, smut,
some language, some sap.
Pairings: Calanthe/Caeru, hinted
Pell/Cal/Galdra.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Calanthe realizes that
some wounds haven't healed and that he might be the
one to heal them this time.
Beta: not betaed given I didn't
want to bother my Wraeththu beta. All mistakes are
mine.
Spoilers: All six books.
A/N: I've recently gotten back a
bit into the world of Wraeththu as I try to find my
own balance in life. This is also a try at getting back into writing
and since Caeru is one of those hara special to my
heart, he stepped forward. Cross posted on my LJ, my
website, raythoo LJ comm, and the Wraeththu Yahoo
group. Enjoy and please review.
'thoughts'
The sound of the fire crackling in
the large stone fireplace greeted Calanthe as he
stepped sleepily into the large living area that was
central to the guest house that they were staying in
within the land of Freygard. He stretched his arms
over his head and groaned a bit before sighing as
his arms dropped and swung at his sides lazily. He
was tired and sore, but in very good ways. Several
hours of rooning with Pell and Galdra were
definitely an excellent way to get sore. A frown
crossed his face briefly though as he went further
into the room to go to the small wine shelf in the
corner. 'It would have been better if Caeru had been
there,' he thought sadly as he made his way around
the couch that was barely illuminated in the
shadows.
He stopped though when he saw a
shadowed figure sitting in the plush armchair that
was near the fireplace. Shifting closer, his frown
deepened as he saw the pale hair that was just
touching the equally ashen shoulder that was peeking
out of the robe that was slipping off. "Caeru?" he
called softly as he got nearer and his eyebrows drew
together in worry when the head merely tipped
towards him. He noted the open bottle of sheh, but
it didn't look to be too far down and the goblet
next to it was half full.
"I'm amazed you're up. You were
certainly loud enough," Caeru commented quietly,
startling Cal from his perusal and making the Tigron
glance over at him guiltily before coming all the
way around to the front of the chair.
"I was...just coming for a drink,"
Cal replied softly as he came into view and gazed
down at Caeru. "What are you doing up? I thought..."
he trailed off though and shifted uncomfortably on
his feet, uncertain all of a sudden. Caeru wasn't
looking at him and his face was strangely
blank...closed off. "Caeru, is everything all
right?" he asked in concern as he pulled over the
other chair and sat down so he could watch Caeru's
face.
"Everything's fine, Cal. Go back
to your two chesna and leave me alone," Caeru
responded flatly before reaching over with a thin
hand and grabbing the goblet without even looking.
He sipped his drink and held onto his goblet as he
continued to stare into the fire.
Something was wrong. Cal couldn't
put his finger on it, but he knew it had something
to do with that night. He knew that Pell had wanted
him and Galdra to bond, but what was bothering him
now was that *Caeru* hadn't been brought into that
fold. 'Why hadn't he been asked?' Cal wondered as he
sat back and stared into the fire as well, silently
making it clear that he was staying. Caeru didn't
fight him, so he just assumed it was all right and
continued to ponder this alarming revelation. He
knew things were fractured at best between his two
chesna and had only grown more so since Darquiel,
Geburael, and Loki's returns, but he had thought
that things had been patched up. Now he knew that he
had been seriously mistaken.
Of course, he wasn't surprised. He
knew how much Pell blamed himself for Caeru's
injuries in the past and often would be stubborn and
snarly whenever it might be brought up. Caeru, for
his part, seemed to have gotten over it, but maybe
it wasn't as clean cut as that. Cal had heard that
the scars had forever made it impossible for Caeru
to host again, but he doubted that. Not with all
they'd learned, but the Tigrina had never expressed
an interest in being healed. 'Or maybe he had never
been asked,' he suddenly pondered and felt sick at
the thought. He knew he had been distracted for
certain with recent events, but to think that, after
learning all he had, that Pell had 'neglected' to
inform Caeru that they could help him...it just
wasn't right.
"Cal...could I ask you something?"
Caeru's soft inquiry broke through
Cal's parading thoughts and he looked over. "Of
course. What is it?"
A shadow passed over Caeru's face
as he stared at the fire for a few minutes before
finally giving voice to his question. "Where were
you? On the night I lost Darquiel...where were you?"
he whispered thickly, but there weren't any tears in
his eyes, which were locked fixedly on the crackling
blaze.
Cal felt his heart jerk at the
question. That night had been a nightmare that had
changed their lives so much and had almost cost them
Caeru's. He remembered feeling helpless and enraged
when he had felt Caeru's attack and had been unable
to go. He had wanted nothing more than to sweep
Caeru to safety, but he had been unable to. Guilt
that had been hidden under his obligations rose up
and mocked him as he gazed at the stony profile of
their Tigrina. 'He never deserved any of that. It's
all our fault that you suffered, Caeru...' he
thought in despair as he finally took in the too
thin face, the dark circles under Caeru's eyes, and
the almost rigid stance. There was no trust...no
caring. Only a wariness that was a mask, trying to
protect the Tigrina from the hurts that the ones he
wanted kept reaping on him.
It stopped...now.
Reaching out, Calanthe placed a
hand on Caeru's bone thin wrist and watched until
the pale blue eyes were focused on him. "Thiede...he
tricked me and pulled me outside of this world so he
could train me. I can't tell you where I was because
I'm not quite sure I know myself, but I..." His
voice faltered at the disbelief that was shimmering
accusingly under the blank stare. His lips thinned
in determination before he leaned in. "I wanted to
save you, Caeru. I fought him and tried to get to
you, but he wouldn't let me. I cried...I screamed
and tried to get to you, but I couldn't and I
can't...I *won't* forgive myself for not having
stopped what was done to you," he declared fiercely
as he gripped the wrist under his hand.
Staring at him silently, Caeru
seemed to run through his words in his mind before a
mocking smirk appeared on the pale face, out of
place for the entire deadness that seemed to reign
on it. "I'm sure you did, Cal. I'm sure you did," he
replied with false warmth before turning his face
away to stare into the flames once more.
Feeling stunned at the utter
dismissal, Cal watched Caeru as he tried to
comprehend why Caeru didn't believe him. It dawned
on him then: they had always been pitted against one
another in a way for Pell's affections. 'He thinks I
wanted him dead and that I really don't care,' he
realized and felt cold. He couldn't blame Caeru for
that. Not once since his return all those years ago
had he touched the Tigrina in any capacity as
chesnari that wasn't just necessity. Aruna between
them and between Pell and Caeru had just been duty.
Work or lack of caring had taken away any kinds of
intimacy they might seek, but it had hit Caeru the
hardest. 'I don't even know what his body looks
like,' Cal thought in anguish.
Sliding to his knees, Cal moved
until he was pressed against Caeru's thigh and
placed his hand on Caeru's chest. He looked into
Caeru's gaze as it snapped to him in shock and
leaned in. "Let me see you," he requested gently
before sliding his hand down to where the robe ended
in a 'V' just above the knot of the sash. He stopped
as Caeru's hand gripped his wrist and curled his
fingers around it before bringing the shaking hand
to his lips. He pressed a tender kiss to the ashen
palm and then placed it against his chest as he
leaned in. "Let me see you, Rue," he whispered again
as he unknotted the sash and carefully pushed the
soft silken fabric aside to reveal the har's body to
his eyes. His breath caught as he saw the scarring
that all but sliced the once perfectly flawless
stomach and he flashed back to when that stomach had
been round with their pearl. Unexpectedly, tears
came to his eyes as he touched the scar. "Oh Rue..."
"Don't tell me you never saw
this," Caeru spat out suddenly, but his voice shook
with emotion as Cal's trembling fingers caressed the
ruined skin. Cal looked up at him and he could see
the tears that were threatening now within the
Tigrina's angered gaze, but there was also fear,
disgust, and pain deep within those no longer dead
eyes.
"No, Rue...I never did. And I'm so
sorry," Cal whispered back as he brought his other
hand up to cup Caeru's cheek. His thumb brushed away
the surprised tear before he leaned in and pressed a
kiss to the scar. "I'm going to fix this. It's the
least I can do," he suddenly stated before wrapping
his arm around Caeru's waist and hugging him close
as he rested his cheek on the twitching scar.
"Don't...Cal don't...please. I
don't want a pity fuck," Caeru said harshly just
over a sob as Cal felt shaking fingers lace within
his hair.
"Pity? Never pity with you, Rue.
You're too good for pity," Cal retorted and looked
up as Caeru huffed. He smirked and winked. "You're
the Tigrina...you don't pity fuck the Tigrina," he
added and felt his heart soar as a small smile
flashed across Caeru's face. He sat back and pulled
Caeru from the chair onto his lap, smiling as a
huffed laugh left Caeru in surprise as the other
blond straddled his lap. He pushed the robe off
completely before running his hand through Caeru's
hair to cup the back of Caeru's head. He gently
pulled Caeru in and opened his mouth as they kissed
slowly while breath of affection and fear mingled
between them. He opened up to Caeru and could feel
the Tigrina responding to him as he caressed his
hands over the pale skin. He found himself
responding as well as Caeru began to tentatively
touch him, caressing areas that were always arousing
for him and soon he was ouana and leaking. His
fingers brushed through the silky fluids that were
flowing from Caeru and he growled as Caeru moaned in
want. He knew what he wanted and he would have it.
Lovingly, he laid Caeru down on
the floor, thankful for the fire warming the stones
as he covered Caeru's body with his own. He plunged
himself deep into Caeru's soume and he groaned with
the Tigrina as they were joined and began moving. He
leaned in and whispered softly to Caeru, explaining
to the har how he could heal himself and he felt
Caeru tremble around him in disbelief. But when they
started to peak, Cal followed Caeru into his
cauldron and began the healing process while holding
Caeru close to him bodily. He felt the beautiful
spirit that was their Tigrina respond to his heat
and urged it to heal the shredded body and his heart
soared as he sensed Caeru's own joy when it worked.
They couldn't stay that way
forever and with a shout, they peaked and fell into
bliss mutually before collapsing together. But Cal
knew that they had started the healing process. He
was aware of Caeru's body knitting and rearranging
itself so that soon it would be able to function.
Pellaz might have healed Caeru when the attack had
happened, but Cal would heal the scars. With a
smile, he curled around the glowing Caeru and placed
a hand over the scarred stomach. Soon, it would be
untouched by scars...as it always should have been.
The End.
