Warnings: AU, angst, sap, some dark, some humor, a bit technical in massage terms.

Characters: Jensen, Jared, OFC

Rating: PG

Word Count: 4,700 total

Beta: Lovingly done by MA. Thanks hon!

Summary: Some things you want to keep hidden, but your body will tell you otherwise. Jared knows something's bothering Jensen, so he decides that maybe some extra help is needed. The results aren't what they expected at all.

A/N: This is based off of a real life event. I've personally been trying to work through my own experience and the muses stepped up to the plate to help me talk about it in a way that's comfortable for me. A note: Craniosacral is a very valid and excellent mode of massage that passively gets your body back into a healthy rhythm. The reactions described in this fic are not what happen to everyone, just to those of us who repress things too much. I would recommend CS to anyone for treatment and plan on learning it myself. Cross-posted to my LJ, aff.net, my website, LJ comm spn_freshblood, LJ comm cw_rps, and LJ comm wb_rps. Feedback is much loved and appreciated!

'thoughts'

The lone figure sitting in the craft tent caught Jared's eye as he came in to get something to eat between takes and he glanced over to see Jensen seated at a table towards the back of the tent. The somewhat chapped fingers of his friend were picking idly at the water bottle he had cupped between his hands and there was an almost blank, yet morose look on the normally smiling face. It bothered Jared to see his friend so down when he should have been happy to be back to work, what with the end of the writer's strike meaning they had jobs again.

Frowning slightly, Jared quietly got some food, and then sauntered over to where his best friend was sitting. He climbed over the bench of the picnic table and set his plate down before ducking his head a bit to look into Jensen's eyes. "Hey...I don't think your bottle deserves to be stripped so gloomily," he commented lightly and a light smirk flashed across Jensen's face before it went back into the contemplative brood that it had been stuck in.

"Maybe..." Jensen murmured quietly, and then sighed heavily before putting his water bottle aside and picking up a fry and munching on it uninterestedly.

Watching his friend as he ate his own lunch, Jared mulled over what was probably bothering Jensen. Daneel had been getting rather aloof with Jensen recently and he was afraid that the relationship was going to be ending soon. As far as he knew, Jensen's family had been fine, though there was a rumor that had been floating around that Jensen was going to be an uncle again soon, but he didn't know if that was true. He knew Jensen wanted to be a dad someday, but with the girls that he'd been picking up, there was no sign of that happening anytime soon.

Tapping his fork on his plate before taking another portion of his chicken, Jared concentrated on the other stuff that had been going on. The interview/game show that Jensen had been on in Australia had been a hit (and very funny, in his opinion) and they had started up again with filming since the writer's strike had ended mid-February to everyone's relief. It was nice to be back at work again, though the grueling hours left much to be desired. They had already hooked up with the Smallville gang for some R&R earlier the past weekend, so there was nothing wrong there. Jared's convention appearances had been within his expectations (crazy and fun with a dash of fan girls cooing over him), though the rumor that the military thing in Chicago had been fake had kinda made things sour a bit. But, he knew it wasn't the fans fault whatsoever. They had been duped as well and that hurt even more. But still, it wasn't something to get too worked up over, so he'd moved on and he was pretty sure that Jensen had as well.

To be honest...Jared found that he was well and truly stumped on what was wrong with his best friend. All indications showed that things should be ok, yet obviously Jensen was moody about something and needed an out. An idea struck Jared suddenly upside the head and he grinned widely, which got a wary look from Jensen. "What are you thinking?" Jensen grumbled suspiciously and Jared worked to quickly finish what he'd just shoved into his mouth so he could answer.

"I have a great idea for this weekend," he said after swallowing his mouthful, then chugged down some of his milk. When he refocused on his friend, he smirked before licking around his mouth. "So, you know we have an early day Friday, right?" he started off as he propped his chin on his hand. Jensen nodded slowly as he watched Jared and Jared couldn't help smiling reassuringly. "You've been stressed out so I was thinking that maybe we could go to this therapist I've been seeing for the past few weeks. She's really great and I could stay with you and stuff cuz she's actually been teaching me her techniques and-"

"Jared whoa! Therapist as in..." Jensen trailed off and shook his head expectantly.

"Oh! Um, well I guess massage therapist, but she specializes in Craniosacral," Jared explained as he spread his hands. He was delighted to see the interest in Jensen's eyes and grinned happily. "You heard of it?" he asked tentatively and Jensen nodded slowly, thoughtfully.

"It's a type of massage that deals with the spine and a body rhythm type of thing, right?" Jensen replied as he sat up, a sure sign that he was interested and Jared crowed inwardly at his success.

"Yea! It's really interesting and cool and she's really fun and a great teacher. Me and Sandy went together a couple of times to just watch and learn some of the techniques so we could help each other, so I know it's ok to bring someone else along during the sessions," Jared babbled excitedly and couldn't help grinning widely as Jensen chuckled and smirked at him in obvious amusement. "So, um...Friday? We could go in and you could have a session? Maybe see what it's about and I could, ya know, learn some more and stuff..." he trailed off hopefully as he batted his eyes at Jensen pleadingly.

"Well, I suppose we could. I mean...anything to get you to turn off the eyes, man. Jeez come on," Jensen responded in exasperation and Jared laughed excitedly as Jensen grinned at him. "We don't have to undress and such, right? I think I read that somewhere," he inquired lightly before popping another fry into his mouth and that alone lifted Jared's own spirits.

"Totally man. She could work on you even if you wore like, three layers of clothing!" Jared agreed before digging into his meal with much more gusto than he had earlier. He was just happy that he had thought of something to help his friend! Now all he had to do was set things up and hope to god nothing bad happened!

*~*~*

Looking around warily as they got out of Jared's SUV, Jensen frowned lightly as he noted the small office building that had 'Healing Touch' on a sign at the front. It didn't look like any massage place that he'd heard of, but then again, he'd only been to a couple of places down in Texas and LA and they'd been resort spas and as froo froo as they could be. This place felt like a real healing place and he found himself relaxing already as he took in the tan siding, green roofing, and stone trim. He saw that there were several still skeletal bushes that were waiting for spring and felt like those bushes, like he was bare and waiting for something to warm him so he could blossom again. He jumped as a large hand clapped down on his shoulder, breaking through his thoughts, and he looked up into Jared's smiling face. "Ready?" Jared asked and Jensen smiled back as he nodded.

"Yeah. This is a nice place," Jensen replied and Jared chuckled.

"Yea, that's just the outside. Wait till you see inside," Jared responded and winked as he led the way up the small cement pathway to the glass door that led into the building.

Jensen glanced over the gold lettering that was embossed on the window that were the office hours and phone number before he took the door and followed Jared through the second glass door inside. He looked around and took a deep breath as he relaxed even more. It was painted in a soft cream color and plants and pictures of nature decorated the walls and windows that surrounded the room and were interspersed with various cushioned chairs, shelving that had what looked like bath products and other massage stuff, and a couple of fountains. They sauntered over towards the large wooden desk and Jared leaned on the counter as they waited for the secretary or whoever to return. Soft music floated around them and Jared hummed along tunelessly, which surprised Jensen. 'He must have been here more than he said,' he thought as he leaned back against the counter next to his friend.

They both straightened up when they heard a door shut and footsteps coming down the hall that was just past the desk. Looking over as one, they saw a middle aged woman with dark brown hair streaked with grey, kind blue eyes, and a short stocky frame that reminded Jensen a lot of Mrs. Padalecki. He wondered a bit on that as Jared greeted the woman warmly. "Joan! Thanks for getting us in on such short notice!"

"Oh Jared, with your crazy schedule, I'd be stupid to turn you down when you need it so much!" the lady replied before they hugged in welcome. "So this must be your costar Jensen, hmm? You didn't tell me he was as handsome as you," she commented with a wink at Jensen, who ducked his head shyly while Jared laughed.

"Oh don't give me that! You watch our show and knew who he was the instant I said it!" Jared retorted and she chuckled impishly as Jensen looked over.

"Busted. Well, can't be helped. Jensen, I need you to fill out some information for me, if you wouldn't mind," Joan stated as she pulled out a clipboard with a sheet and pen on it. "Front, back, sign at the bottom, ok?" she added as she showed him where to write and he nodded as he took it from her. He went over to one of the seats and sat down before he started filling it out while Jared talked quietly with Joan, most likely catching up. He tuned them out as he concentrated on the form and filled it out. He coughed a little since he was kind of getting over a cold and sniffled before signing the bottom of the back part after reading the disclaimer bit.

Standing, he went over and handed the clipboard to Joan silently and she smiled at him as she took it before looking it over. Jared tried to catch his eye, but Jensen avoided his friend's gaze, uncomfortable suddenly in this new place. After a minute, she led them back down the hall and went inside the second door on the right side. It was dimly lit and the music was a bit more concentrated, but it was still very soothing. Joan instructed Jensen to just take off his boots, which he did along with his coat and rolled up the sleeves of his flannel before crawling on top of the bed or table or whatever it was. It didn't matter because, as soon as he laid down on it, Jensen felt himself relaxing almost immediately. It was obviously being warmed from under the sheets and it was also very soft. He felt like he could sink into it and couldn't help but close his eyes as exhaustion welled up over him. He could hear them talking over him and then felt a small hand on his shoulder.

With a bit of a struggle, he opened his eyes and looked blearily over at Joan. She smiled at him and he managed a small smile and a nod to the question she had just asked. He turned his head a bit and smirked at Jared, who smiled encouragingly back before following Joan down to the foot of the bed. Joan began explaining how Craniosacral worked to Jensen as she placed her hands on Jensen's feet. She talked about how the body naturally moves in a rhythm of flexion, neutral, and into extension. Her voice was quiet, yet it held his interest, so he watched as she taught Jared how to find the rhythm. Jensen couldn't help grinning back at Jared when his friend smiled brightly at him before focusing on his hands. Laying his head back a bit, Jensen felt like he could also feel his body moving, but it was slow, almost stilted. Joan explained that it was most likely from his being somewhat bowlegged and Jensen couldn't help the grin as Jared snickered at that. It was a running joke between them about his being bowlegged was a sign of being from Texas. Jensen just huffed that it was because he had to compensate for his package, which got Jared laughing every time.

He relaxed though as Joan brought her hands to his knees and felt his rhythm and found that it wasn't as congested. Her hands traveled surely to mid thigh, but he strangely didn't feel uncomfortable. Her touch was confident and reassuring, so the usual hackles of personal space didn't rise at such an intimate touch. She then moved to the head of the table and touched his neck at the occipital ridge. He was amused that he knew some of the terms she was using since he had been interested in massage therapy before.

He listened to them talk and managed to slur out a couple of comments that earned some chuckles from them as he rested his head fully onto her hands. It actually felt really good to have her fingers there and he felt some of the tension leaving him. His body though was also thrumming strangely and he jerked his left leg a bit, then his right and he felt a bit better. He smiled as Jared commented on the movement and Joan explained that the body was realigning itself as she got the ventricles to release and flow more. She moved down and sat on a rolling stool, as did Jared, and then pushed her hand under his ass, which made him look at her a little weird. She smiled at him and explained that she was going to help his sacrum to lower, so he nodded. He cocked an eyebrow and pooched his lips a bit when Jared had him lift up a bit to push his hand under, but he trusted Jared. It was strange though to feel Jared's hand cupping his ass right over his sacrum while his other hand rested lightly on his stomach.

At first, he didn't feel much, so Jared pulled out and Joan replaced her hand to where Jared's hands had just been. He felt it then: warmth and that strange energy that made him want to kick. He couldn't help himself as his right leg jerked a couple of times before his left did and he took a deep breath as he relaxed even more. She shifted then and explained her next move and he was glad she did as she kept her one hand on his lower abdomen and then came up between his legs and under his sacrum. It felt like she was hugging him, but the warmth and security he felt relaxed him and he took another deep breath after jerking a couple of times. His lower back suddenly felt less tense and she hummed happily before moving her hand up to the middle of his back to do the same thing while her top hand rested just under his ribs.

Her warm hand moved slowly as she spoke with Jared and Jensen on what she was feeling, and then pulled off so Jared could copy her. Jensen couldn't help the snort of laughter as Jared patted his stomach and Jared grinned at him before concentrating. It calmed Jensen though as his friend's hand moved vaguely on his stomach, following what his body needed he supposed. Joan took over then and Jensen closed his eyes even as his legs jerked a couple of times as she moved with him. She moved then and placed her right hand just below his clavicle on what he knew as the heart chakra (because he had studied that out of a geek moment) and her hand was almost hot. Her left hand cupped just above his shoulder blades and he found himself taking a couple more deep breaths as he relaxed and his legs and arms both jerked.

She moved her hand to his neck then and the heat was intense again as she touched him. Suddenly, he started snickering and then was laughing full on from his belly. Jared and Joan both giggled as he braced himself a bit and giggled, trying to control himself but unable to. Joan decided that they should take a small break so that Jensen could calm down and they agreed even as they snickered. Jared went to the bathroom as Jensen sat up and laughed softly, then started coughing. Joan rubbed his back, then went and brought him some water as his coughing got worse.

He took the water gratefully and swallowed it down, clearing his throat afterwards as he grinned at her in thanks as he handed her the Dixie cup. "Why did I start laughing?" he asked and cleared his throat again and sighed as his legs jerked a bit in counterpoint.

"It's another release. Looks like you have some stuff in you that your body wants out. Laughter is always good," Joan explained as she leaned against the bed and grinned at him. She looked over as Jared came in with a wide grin, which they both returned. "Let's resume then. Jensen, lay down again please," she instructed before taking up position at the head of the table while Jared sat down next to Jensen.

"Dude, I haven't heard you laugh like that since we filmed 'Bad Day'!" Jared commented as he patted Jensen's arm and Jensen couldn't help chuckling as he grinned as well.

"Couldn't help it man. You looked so dorky," Jensen replied and laughed as Jared snorted while hitting his shoulder. Said shoulder jerked and was quickly followed by both legs before Jensen relaxed into Joan's hands as she once again cradled his skull on her fingers. He listened to them talk as he tried to keep breathing and found his breath hitching as tears rolled down his face and his legs and arms began to jerk more often now. He calmed down when she moved to his scalp and began moving the skull sutures, or where the skull plates were fused. His body began jerking again though as she put pressure on his sphenoid bone, which is a butterfly shaped bone on either side near his temples. He grunted as his neck arched and he felt a bit of panic as he continued to jerk almost uncontrollably.

"Joan, what's wrong?" Jared whispered worriedly and Jensen wanted to grab his friend's hand, but his arm and shoulder kept jerking.

"Looks like his body really has something to let go of. Jensen, I want you to just relax and let it happen. I'm going to do the spinal wrap stretch now," Joan murmured soothingly as she tried to pull away, but Jensen's body started jerking even more and a panicked whimper left Jensen as his neck spasmed and jerked his head back several times while his body arched as well.

"Joan..." Jared sounded as panicking as Jensen was feeling and grabbed Jensen's hand, but it was jerked away almost immediately as Jensen jolted and groaned while gasping.

"Jensen, can you tell us what the emotions are that you're feeling?" Joan asked gently as she kept her fingers where they were under Jensen's occipital ridge and Jensen jerked his head a bit and whimpered as tears rolled down his cheeks. "Do you feel angry? Sad? Frustrated?"

With each suggestion, Jensen's jerking grew worse and he finally managed to stutter out, "D-Don't...k-know!" He sobbed a bit, panicking and frustrated with how his body was acting as he tried to regain control, but it was like there was a block in his chest that was sucking out all ability to even speak much less regain control and he groaned again as he arched, gasping.

"Your body really wants you to acknowledge something, Jensen. You have to let it go and come to this place," Joan encouraged him as she released his head and moved to the side. She pushed her hand under his hips and her other hand under his neck and slowly, his jerking began to slow a bit. But then it started up even more violently and another panicked sound forced its way past the blockage in his throat.

"Jensen, you have to calm down. Talk to me, man. What're you repressing so much that your body wants it gone?" Jared questioned his friend as calmly as he could, but Jensen could tell he was as alarmed as he was.

Trying to at least control his breathing, Jensen took in several stuttering breaths as his body continued to contort. Joan moved back to his head and he could tell she was trying to calm him but there was so much trying to *scream* its way out and he just couldn't let it...wasn't *able* to let it out. Finally, he began to calm down and brought his shaking hands up to wipe his eyes as he panted for air and tried to ignore how his body still jerked and shuddered. He looked over as his hand was cupped and held by Jared's large hand he felt himself calming some more. "Jare...."

"Man, what happened? What's wrong?" Jared asked him almost immediately and Jensen jerked a few times as he whimpered in an effort to reply.

"Don't push yourself, Jensen. Right now, you need to ground yourself and calm down and later, when you are calm, you can try and figure out what it was your body was trying to get out," Joan counseled tenderly as she rubbed his forehead soothingly. He nodded and she smiled as he looked up at her warily. "Let's sit you up," she suggested and she and Jared helped him to sit up and swing his legs over so he could touch the ground.

Jensen cupped his head dizzily and wiped his face a couple more times, embarrassed and very much put out by what had happened. What was it his body had been trying to tell him was hurting him so much? He listened to them talk vaguely, occasionally adding in a comment before he switched places with Jared and put on his shoes. Instead of some craniosacral work, Jared had her relax his neck and shoulders as well as his lower back since they had been getting kind of heavy with the stunts for the show. Jensen watched them and relaxed slowly as they joked around and Jared groaned in relief as his muscles relaxed. Jensen didn't think about what had happened too much, just let it slide to the back of his mind as he, Joan, and Jared talked.

Finally, the session ended and they went out to the lobby to pay Joan and Jensen listened to the other talk as they sauntered out. He pulled on his jacket and then paid for his session after Jared, but just as he was about to leave with his friend, Joan pulled him aside. "Jensen, I want you to come in again in a week, but I want you also to write down what happened today. It might help you figure out what it is exactly that's hurting you. Don't hide this because your body will just lash out at you even worse because it *knows* you *know* that something is wrong and it wants you to face it. We can talk about it later then, but just...journal it out," she suggested softly and Jensen bit his lip a bit.

"I'll...I'll try. And how's next Sunday look for you, because that's my only free day," he whispered back and she smiled at him.

"Be here at eleven. No excuses," she chided him and he laughed at that before going over to Jared.

"Thanks Joan! See you in two weeks!" Jared called as he waved before leading the way out. Jensen waved as well as he followed his friend out to the parking lot. He had a lot to think on and a lot more to discover...by himself.

*~*~*

Sighing quietly, Jensen stared at his notebook as he thought over what had happened that day. He'd managed to distract Jared from asking him about it, but now that he was alone, it was like his mind was a blank canvas muffling the noise of his mind. He tried to let whatever had been blocking him earlier come to the fore, but he would then start jerking and crying and then panicked. He'd taken two baths already to calm down and was swiftly getting frustrated with his own lack of release.

He sighed again and took a sip of the tea he'd made up instead of coffee and considered his life recently. He had a pretty good life, if he considered it. He had a loving family back in Texas, a great job, and friends that he truly cared about and trusted. His love life was almost nil because well...Daneel wasn't exactly what he thought. But he was so tired of being alone. Maybe that was why he kept her around and put up with her diva act. Recently though, even the fans' reactions had started to make him rethink that choice.

Sitting back in his chair, Jensen looked down at his notebook and realized that he had written down his thoughts. He read what he'd written thoughtfully and was suddenly writing again. He watched as his frustration over being alone came out alongside his longing to be a dad and his jealousy of his brother and sister and their successful families. He felt despair as he wrote down about his resentment of Jared's relationship with Sandy and his annoyance with pushy fans and family who wanted so much out of him but wouldn't let him *breathe* much less take time for himself!

When he finished, his face was wet and he was a bit breathless from his sobbing, but he felt lighter in his chest and clearer in his mind than he'd felt in a long time. He looked over at the time and found that two hours had passed. Two hours of purging and he was exhausted. He leaned his head back and sighed softly before smiling. He felt...relaxed. What's more he couldn't wait until the next Sunday when he could discuss this with Joan. Maybe the second time around would be better than the first. But either way, he was on his way to becoming a bit more balanced. And, while he couldn't do anything just yet, he knew what had been hidden under that canvas now and would try to do things so he could make his life a bit better. If for no other reason than to make sure he didn't have the same reaction he did the first time he visited with Joan.

The End!

<Home>