Author: Deathangelgw

Disclaimer: Not mine…all theirs….no money….no sue!

Warnings: AU, OOC, Heero POV, yaoi, lemon (hinted), angst, dark, sap, songfic, deathfic

Rating: PG-13 for yaoi hints

Pairings: 6+1, hinted 6x1x6, hinted 1+3

Timeline: right after the end of the series.  I did change some stuff….of course ~_^

Note: This was a challenge made by Mithrigil.  Sorry it took so long! And, seeing as I never really read ‘Convenience’, if it matches your fic in any way, gomen nasai.  Hope it fits though!

Feedback: Most welcome, thank you!

/lyrics/

/Sorry, I never told you

All I wanted to say.

And now it’s too late to hold you

‘Cause you’ve flown away, so far away./

The rain came down gently, soaking me thoroughly, mingling with my tears as I stared blankly at the grave before me.  ‘Why did you have to die?’  I find my mind asking over and over, like an endless litany.  I never told you how I truly felt….and now I never can.

You had said that I was pure…kind.  And that they needed me.  What about you?  You were so gentle, caring…loyal.  My head bows in grief as these thoughts torment me.  I am supposed to be the Perfect Soldier…yet how can one be perfect when there is love involved?

/Never had I imagined

Living without your smile.

Feeling and knowing you hear me

It keeps me alive, alive./

I remember when we met.  It seems so long ago.  Yet it was, but a few months.  In battle, one doesn’t know the face of the enemy.  Or at least, for awhile.  But, when I saw your face on the news, I knew then that we would meet again.

You always hid behind a mask, always cool and calm.  I envied you because you acted on your caring and loyalty, while I was cold and followed orders.

When we met again at Siberia, I gave in to the feelings of meeting you once again, fighting you equally as only we could.  But then, the orders came again and I knew what I had to do.

I remember stepping out and holding the self-destruct button.  But then, I heard your exclamation and the sound of your voice stopped me for a minute.  How could such a caring voice come from someone I had never seen face-to-face?  But then, orders took over and the world flew by in a flashing light.

/And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way.

And I know eventually we’ll be together

One sweet day./

Trowa saved me that day, but it was your voice that kept me here.  Did you know I needed you?  That I felt your call?  You must have, for you called me again when life had forced me into its painful embrace once more.

You had sent Noin to search for me, but I think you already knew I was there.  Our calling to each other kept us searching, looking…longing.  Trowa and I went with her, but I knew Trowa was suspicious.  I didn’t expect him to understand the need that you and I felt, forcing us to search each other out, to finish what was started.

We got to Antarctica base and there, you and I finally met.  I remember looking at you with something of awe and…familiarity.  Even with your mask on, I knew you felt the same.  When you showed us Wing as it was being reconstructed, I was truly astonished and suspicious.  Not of your intentions, but of your emotion behind it.  Why did you want to fight me again?  Did you feel it as I did?

When we shook hands, my way of thanking you, it felt like an electric bolt at our touching.  I was glad I had a long coat on for it hid the true affect you had on me.  Did you feel that same longing as I?

/Darling, I never showed you

Assumed you’d always be there.

I, I took your presence for granted

But I always cared and I miss the love we shared./

I worked hard that night, but instead of Wing, I opted for Heavy Arms instead.  Your kindness had rattled me, and I didn’t want you to see me as weak.  I remember saying to the opposite to Trowa, but I know what was in my heart.

After awhile, my body could no longer continue.  Trowa took over for me, finishing the adjustments to his suit and I went to my room.

I remember lying out on that bed and moaning with pain, fatigue…and sorrow.  How was I going to fight you the next day, when all I wanted was for you to hold me?  Did you hear my soul’s sorrow?  Is that what brought you to my side?

Remembering that night, I cry even harder.  You came out of the shadows, eyes filled with worry and longing as they locked with me, hair flowing gracefully, freely away from that cold mask.  You sat down next to me and we looked at each other, searching and then, finding what we had been longing for.  When our lips met, it felt like sweet heaven.  When your arms enfolded me, I felt safe.  And when you made love to me, I felt like I could touch the stars.  We didn’t want it to end, a silent agreement in that short moment of peace as we held each other, loved each other, and fulfilled each other.

/And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we lost along the way

And I know eventually we’ll be together

One sweet day./

The next day, we fought, but with sorrow.  I didn’t want to fight you, my loving prince, and I knew you felt the same.  But the call that we had felt from the beginning drove us to clash, even as our souls fought to love.

Relena and OZ stopped us that day, and I look on that with bittersweet feelings.  You were safe and I knew we would meet again, but would it be in battle…or in each other’s arms?

We found each other again, in space.  I had returned, seeing as my hands were tied with the colonies.  You had returned as Milliardo Peacecraft.  We battled briefly, you in Tallgeese, myself in Mercurius.  But then, you surrendered.  Did you know it was me?  As I knew it was you?

We took you back to Barge, where you met Lady Une.  But your eyes always sought mine out, and later, our souls found each other again.

You’d had me brought to your quarters, under the clever pretense of questioning me.  But once we were alone, the stars and heaven heard our love as we gave in to the call once more.

/Although the sun will never shine the same

I’ll always look to a brighter day./

Oh, how I loved your touch, the look and smell of you.  I couldn’t get enough of you.  You touched me and it was like being touched by an angel: filled with tenderness and love.  Never had I been touched like that…and now, never again.

I left you that day, sleeping so peacefully; knowing in my heart that the next time we met…it would be in battle.  I went back to my cell and sat in a corner.  Neither Wufei nor Duo bothered me.  They seemed to know and left me alone.  I cried silently, never letting my tears show; making it seem like I slept.  But, I knew the truth.  I focused on my mission, focusing on protecting the colonies, those that had betrayed us.

/Lord I know when you lay me down to sleep

You will always listen as I pray./

Quatre and I returned to earth, to try and find a meaning to fight.  I was hurting on the inside, lashing out and striking when I could, retaliating in a foolish and suicidal manner.

Relena took us in to her kingdom.  Your kingdom.  Oh Zechs, it was so lovely and peaceful.  But, like you, I felt detached from it, too dirty with all the blood I had shed to fit in.  Quatre, I knew, felt the same way, but he was always so optimistic.

There, I also met Treize Khushrenada and he too changed my life.  But, it was not for the better.  Or maybe it was?  It certainly made me realize how pathetic I had become.  Tell me, my love, what did Zero show you?  Did it show you your death in battle, as it did mine?  Is that why we fought again, because we felt the drive to?  Because we knew each other so well as to know our limits?

I wish you were here now, to answer me, but you are not.  And it is because of me you are not.

/And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we lost along the way.

And I know eventually we’ll be together

One sweet day./

We fought one last time, and I think we both knew it.  We both knew that only one could survive.  I wanted it to be you, but you must have felt differently.  You had asked me why I had not finished you off.  I had given a simple answer, saying Relena would have cried.  But in truth, it is I who sheds the tears of sorrow.

You told me before you died, that they needed a leader.  Someone as pure and as kind as me.  You had said this with such conviction that I had almost believed you.  But then, you left me.  Why?  Why did you leave me??  Did not our love mean anything?

I clench my fists in anger and grief, reveling in the pain it inflicted, hoping it would erase the agony and fill the emptiness, but it doesn’t.

/And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way.

And I know eventually we’ll be together

One sweet day./

I look down at your grave, realizing everything is blurred.  Wiping my eyes, I smear blood onto my face.  How fitting.  The blood of your death is on my hands.  I look at the cause of the wounds and see the roses I had brought for you.  I lay them down gently and watched as the rain washed them clean.  Are you forgiving me for your death?

I stand up slowly, moving stiffened joints and wipe my face clean.  I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look into the green eyes of Trowa.  Did you send him to help me?  He does understand more than any of the others.  Perhaps he will help.

As we turn to leave, I look at a nearby grave.  Are you and Treize together now, my love?  I pray that you are.  And someday, so shall we.

/Sorry, I never told you

All I wanted to say./

~Owari